Another offseason is largely over, which means it’s time for me, Mr. Anonymous, to rear his head again (or her, maybe I’m gender confused, like Devon). No shortage of shit to get off my chest this year, so lets dive on in.

First, and more importantly, we saw the biggest example of ultimate bitchery from Kirk and Billy quitting during FA as they pouted over being upped. With a #MeToo, they went out complaining of commish meanness, despite the fact that Eric is dbag #1 in FA and has been for years. There’s a reason his team blows year, he’s too focused on foreplay with other GM’s trying to get a rise out of them. Anyways, Billy and Kirk leaving is good for the league, they replaced them with a meme genius apparently, and a 3^rd Cordell, and as dumb as the other 2 are, it’s another team for us to pillage, if he ever trades with someone other than Devon that is.

What next? Other than hashing over the fucking insanity of the FA period, which happens every year. Let’s take a look around the league, remember you all suck.

Devon. Hmm over a month on the “I’m going to rebuild” train, then he signs Crawford to insane money just to fuck over Jordan. Which gets our thumbs up. Finally, captain dipshit seems to have a plan. Until next week of course.

Joel continues his descent into a team of absolutely no relevance, man he’s turned a promising squad into a shit show of nothing. In the Pacific he still has a shot at the playoffs though, which shows how bad the rest of you blow. We need less trades of minor league scrubs, more drunken incoherent rant about how redneck people are in Alberta.

Greg, oh Greg, tries so hard to be funny and fit in. You can tell he had no friends in high school and has to latch onto whatever homosexual Asian he can find at the local pride parade. His man crush on Bryce that comes through on the podcasts is pretty weird. Of course that team flopping, Hawaiian shirt wearing fat bozo loves it. Just what we need, Bryce getting a bigger ego from people saying how smart he is (in his mind at least).

Jared joined this century and got a smart phone, and honestly has been a pleasure, the random picks of his cats (obvious suck up to the button pusher), and doobies is enjoyable fun. Sadly, most of his transactions indicate he’s well into a few of them by the time he completes a trade. Still, you get our stamp of approval as the GM we’ve seen top quality shit from of late.

Rich, oh Rich. Almost 1/10 of the league lives under his roof, and given the intelligence shown of Devon over the years, this won’t change any time soon. The old man seemingly comes out of his extended nap stupors to trade any semblance of a future, overpay 3^rd liners, and somehow bumble fuck his way into the playoffs every year. Then complain that a decade ago, his team wasn’t good. It’s Grandpa Simpson yelling at a cloud most of the time. Even if the cloud is yellow like Junya.

Kevin, after bitching about expansion for 2 years we’re glad that’s done. We’re not glad however that his Flames team looks like a power for a long, long time. He adds little to the chat, is kind of the guy with no personality. I envision him in a bar in some ungodly cold town in Manitoba, running away when a girl winks at him, only to come on here and find some dumb GM to trade him picks for trash to make his self-esteem better.

Bryce. While we already mentioned him earlier, this fuckbag comes on, saying how others rape people, but when you look at his team and the deals made, it’s clear this guys is the master of no lube. His artificial attempts at diplomacy always end with him showing his Nazi leanings as he defends his BFF Trump. Can’t wait for his team to blow again, him to sell everything off, and convince himself that was his plan all along, for the 12^th straight year.

George Jr. I mean Dave, the guy constantly happy to lose. Without his mentor George around, Blackhawks fans have little to cheer for, the Hawks appear to be running out of juice, with no trophies to show, and are getting passed by others in the division. But listen to Dave tout his regular season success and he’s basically the yellow version of Rich. It was nice that he didn’t win biggest bitch in FA for the 3^rd year in a row thanks to Billy and Kirk.

Jesse, the Tv repair guy, who probably is all pimply and speaks like the nerdy guy on the Simpsons. I don’t know much about him, can’t imagine he has kids or anything, since he’s clearly never been with a woman. Teamwise, the Jackets look good. Proof that sucking for a decade can build a decent team.

Junya, I mean. I don’t even know where to start. He’s tried picking Dans slack up as the internet bully, but where Dan could threaten to sit on you, Junya would be more like the one to kick you in the shins and run away like a bitch. His fascination with Rich is messed up, clearly some sort of fetish for old people, his love for Greg is apparent. I keep waiting to hear about how they’re here, and queer.

Nolan, another largely irrelevant character, other than his being Bryce’s adopted brother or something. He and Rumpy seem to have a bromance going, which is always entertaining, though Nolan sounds like the lady in the equation. And when Rumpy is more masculine than you, look out. The wings appear about ready to slide back into irrelevance as he’s done little to improve the team.

Leon, good grief how many Asians do we have? A rare sighting in the chat room means Leon has showed almost no personality, just a shitty team. We know Asians have like 5 phones, so Leon needs to dedicate one to the league, I mean, why wouldn’t he, we’re all charming right?

Who’s in Florida now? I think it’s Sober Tyler. Granted, based on his moves and team, sobriety is in question. He comes and goes from the chat, spurts of activity are fun, though he tries not to be controversial. He’s from BC though, which means he’s a tree hugging, pride wearing, Sedin blowing weirdo.

Rumpy, oh Rumpy. Our drug addled, welfare collecting, delusional self proclaiming ladies man. We could do a whole article on his shenanigans, but the truth is, he’s the most entertaining douche around here. We all live vicariously through him since most of us grew up a long time ago. I have nothing bad to say, really everything else was a compliment. Keep banging trannies and Rex, and being you Rumpers.

Al took over what is now the Wild, and we’re all the better for it. Another mouth breathing redneck, I cant remember where’s he’s from but I assume Minnesota, because who else would like their shithole sport teams (SKOL). He’s been a solid add, always active, always talking shit, always being your typical Joe Dirt style hillbilly.

Steve has gone silent since his teaching profession was made fun of for being the liberal agenda pushing schmucks that they are. Other than raping Rumpy and becoming an instant contender, his team is largely irrelevant, so he goes back to riding his high horse as an educator, and pretending he has a grasp on real life.

We don’t want to mock Ty, since he controls the FA page, and we don’t want to anger the FA gods, but despite a constantly shitty roster, his teams always go far. Are we sure he isn’t Eric? Other than having semi intelligent thoughts and not looking like Bam Bam Bigelow. But do we even know what he looks like? Other than the odd funny in the chat, he’s active, but largely inconsequential. Have I just uncovered a conspiracy?

Tim and his Devils continute to show the league he is in fact smarter than everyone else here. But his inactivity on the chat (though he’s always lurking), lead me to think he’s kind of scared to be made fun of, and wants to stay non-controversial. Now that Kirk isn’t here for him to rape (seriously check out the history), will he be able to retain dominance? Will he show a personality other than some nerd stat guy? Let’s hope so. We know he has douchebaggery in him from doing coaches, we want more!

Blue Balls, aka Joe Bubanj, aka the Croat Kid returned to the league with a thud. Riding Dan’s roster, it looks like he will continue to never make a trade and will be content trying to win with someone elses team. He chimes in occasionally, but only when things are going well (notice how he disappeared after France (viva la France) beat the Croats in the World Cup. Man up Joe.

Ryan continues to long history of inactive plugs running that franchise. If he’s stop being a cheap ass and pay for a decent data plan he could join the chat. His recent whining that no one sends him ICQ messages doesn’t just emphasizes the point that this snowflake needs to man up and get involved.

Steph takes over for Kirk, and within 1 day he’d pumped enough meme’s out to add more to the league than Kirk had in years. But he needs to remember what got him into the dance, the quantity of late has sucked bigger balls than Kirk did. On the team side, nice to see all Kirks assets getting spread around the league, everyone is enjoying seeing Steph get reamed and spread them around the league.

There’s good rebuilds, bad rebuilds, and the shitshow going on in Philly. Maybe because the NHL Flyers haven’t had a good goalie in 3 decades, Anthony decided to sign 20 of them and hope one sticks. Anthony has been sad since Dan left, who he idolized, maybe one day he will run a franchise 1/10 as well. But he can drown his sorrows in his beer company that he put $5 into. By that logic I own a cocaine operation.

Toby is already my favorite Cordell, simply because the other 2 are that dumb. He took over a strong Pens team, and already has the best team that a Cordell has ever had (or will have). Despite being 13, Toby has done OK so far. But he’s been trading with the dummies of the league, aka his family. Hopefully once puberty hits, Toby will show some personality.

Mika is now in San Jose, after doing nothing for awhile in Minnesota. His team is still awful, as its team Finland, minus the good players. His roster would kick ass in the Finnish Elite League or whatever it’s called. He’s a pure stalker on the group chat, which makes me envison his persona of being a 110lb guy who is super metro.

After a rare year in the playoffs, and still not winning a game, Eric will be back in the basement like usual. The resident catman, he’s feline fascination is about the most charming thing about him. He lacks much of a sense of humor, and his only redeeming quality is he has no life and can sim every night well his cats climb all over him.

Eric F has quietly built a solid team, I can’t even rip his moves, other in net where he’s basically Junya v2. He’s active in the chat, yet somehow leaves almost no impression. We think he’s French, which means he’s effeminent, and seems to make fun of Bryce in the chat a lot, which gives anyone a thumbs up.

Garrett, the one guy here who actually works in hockey, and he’s about the dumbest bastard there is with his hockey knowledge. Every talk trade with him? Every player of his is Gordie fucking Howe, and you better pony up. But if he wants your guy, he’s worth peanuts. While his ramblings about massaging Army’s testicles and his man love for Crosby continue to be suspect at best, this is almost all envy, since the prick has the best job of all of us.

Rob in Vancouver is so irrelevant I had to go back and add this at the end, I’d forgotten he existed. Other than popping up a few times a year to waive his Sedin pompoms, and get raped by Bryce. Rob has driven the Nucks completely into the ground, he’s basically qualified to run them in the NHL. I think he renovates houses or something, but really I think he’s another homeless, maybe half Asian, living in BC.

Joe has Vegas, since he was scared of the East and wanted to move. After years of rebuilding he loaded up, for one year, fell short, and now is poised to toil in mediocrity. At least he is running the World Cup, which is more than you other fuckers. Joe’s a reasonably nice guy, though he suffers from Hansforditis in trade talks quite often.

Larry, is the senile old man in the group. Think of grandpa Simpson and you basically have Larry pegged. He did all this studying for expansion, and is getting clowned by the hillbilly stoner in building their organizations. We do enjoy his old man rants, and when he gets pissed at the other fucktards around here. It will be a sad day next week when he keels over.

We may have saved the best for last, despite his honorable profession, he gets no free pass here. Jordan is basically Rumpy, except with money and a functioning brain. We love his mid afternoon check in of “morning cunts” is a sign that shit is about to pick up, or not, since he shops the same guys no one would move a dollar for. His team mismanagement has been epic, but ask him and he’s winning the cup. In actuality, after Rumpy, Jordan is the coolest cat around.