Oh, hey. Didn’t see you standing there. It’s been a month since we last spake (spoke? spoken? spanekekn?) and it’s about that time to update the power rankings. More importantly, it will bump Junya’s ridiculous article pumping his own tires down a spot. No one has time for that nonsense. Almost two months has given us a clearer view of the landscape. So lets go to the rankings.

1.    Dallas Stars (Last: 3, +2) Well, if you read Junya’s disorganized article with a series of indiscernible numbers and rankings “proving” the west is better, then you know that the only thing he actually proved was that the Dallas Stars are good. (insert eye roll here.) How is he doing it? By scoring a league-best, 4.06 goals per game and giving up a 5^th best 2.33 goals per game. And no one is happier for him than his best friend and snuggle buddy, Rich.

2.    Chicago Blackhawks (Last:10, +8) To say that power rankings are a scientific formula would be an insult to science. I am merely human, who makes mistakes. If you prick me, I bleed. If you tickle me, I get an erection. I am just like the rest of you. Needless to say, Dave quietly keeps winning. So quietly, in fact, you may not have even noticed.

3.    Montreal Canadians (Last: 11, +8) I’m going to man up and say I also fucked this one up big time in my original power rankings. Clearly the Canadians should have been higher. I still don’t know how they’re doing it with the team they’re rolling out. But they keep winning and against formidable opponents. So Steve-O, deserves the #3 spot. For now. P.S. How’d that rink building go? Post some pictures.

4.    Boston Bruins (Last: 6, +2) Much like the real life Bruins, this pretend team may have the best line in hockey. Ovi and JT are skull-fucking the leaderboard as the top two players on that list. And then there’s Pasta who’s getting it going, riding in their proverbial sidecar. The Bruins are scoring 4.0 goals per game, which is good for second in the league. And the power play? Don’t get too close, because that shit is on fire. Scoring at a league-best 27.78%. Just ignore the 29^th ranked PK. Cool, thanks.

5.    Colorado Avalanche (Last:1, -4) This team is a little difficult to figure out. They seemed unbeatable in October. But they’ve gone a pedestrian 5-4 since the last power rankings, with wins coming against the bottom-dwellers (Stoners x2, Wild, Oilers and Capitals.) But when facing “quality opponents”, Bryce and his boy-toys have lost to the Senators, Bruins, Flames and also the Canucks (whoops.) Bad month or true colors? Time will tell.

6.    Winnepeg Jets (Last: 2, -4) Since last month’s power rankings, the Jets have only lost twice. But those losses came at the hands of the Maple Leafs and the Capitals. Classic case of underestimating your opponent, or a more realistic performance? Wins against the Panthers x 2, Sabres, Maple Leafs and the quality Red Wings keep Dr. Cunts in the thick of things in a very competitive division. But let’s see what happens when the schedule gets tougher.

7.    New York Islanders (Last: 5, -2) The Islanders have had a so-so month in November. A rough stretch of three losses in a row to the Canadians, Lightning and (ouch) Panthers has them slipping in the ranking this month. Aleksander Barkov and Nikolaj Ehlers have proven that they are more than just great Scrabble words— overtaking Tyler Bozak as the teams top two leading scorers. Charlie McAvoy still has 0 goals.  Overrated.

8.    Detroit Red Wings (Last: 4, -4) Win, lose, win, lose. The Wings are a tennis match of emotions. They can never seem to go on a consistent heater. The inconsistency of the team is what drops them out of the top 5. Not surprisingly,  Hellebuyck’ssave percentage has “dropped” to 0.923 and his GAA has risen to 2.38 from 1.97.  Still amazing, but more realistic. On the flip side, Steven Stamkos has scored 9 points this month. So that’s fun!

9.    Carolina Hurricanes (Last: 7, -2) Ok, everyone’s going to want to sit down for this. Maybe take off your pants, tussle up your pubes and crack open a box of wine. Because that’s the only way this makes sense. You see, after a win and a loss, the Carolina Hurricanes won 3 ... then lost 6 in a row ... then won 5 in a row. Probably the opponents, you say? Wrongo. Because while he’s lost to some good teams, he’s also beaten the Blackhawks, Bruins and Avalanche. What the fuck are we supposed to do with this? Your guess is as good as mine.

10.  Calgary Flames (Last: 16, +6) Proof that pre-season means nothing. An absolute shit-show of a summer has all but been erased from memory. Until I reminded everyone about it just now. You’re welcome. The Flames didn’t overpower anyone last year until the playoffs. And that pattern seems to be holding steady this season as well. Always dangerous, always a threat, yet always beatable. Translation, the Flames will be a pain in a lot of  people’s ass all season long, including Kevin. 

11.  Las Vegas Golden Nights (Last: 9, -2) This is a tough team to figure out, still. Scoring 3.47 goals per game (7^th in the league), giving up a mere 2.37 goals per game (6^th) and sporting a penalty kill of 91.11% (2^nd), this is a formidable team. But they can’t seem to beat the “good” teams and sometimes they lose to the bad ones. Sometimes, the really bad ones. It’s confusing. Maybe they are a year away from truly competing. In other news, John Carlson is a points machine, with 19 thus far. Carter Rowney is not. He has 1. 

12. Tampa Bay Lightning (Last:18, +6) Looks like Stella is getting her groove back. Since the last power rankings, the Lightning have gone 7-3 with a goal differential of +9 in those games. Also, Anze Kopitar skating with that big dick confidence, racking up 19 points. Brent Burns only has 6, which is weird. Maybe because he has a micro penis and can’t skate with any confidence. Because of his tiny johnson. You ever think about that? Probably not. Know why? Because you don’t know anything about hockey.

13.  New York Rangers (Last: 12, -1) The Rangers have gone 8-3 since we last looked at some rankings. That’s not too shabby. Yet, the goal differential in those 11 games is a +7. Not exactly confidence-inspiring when you consider he was at -3 at the time of the first rankings. The confusing thing is, this team is loaded with top shelf offensive talent, but they only score 2.63 goals a game (20^th). If this offense clicks, they are going to be a legitimate threat.

14. Los Angeles Kings (Last: 13, -1) Fat Lionel Messi has been on a weird, Rich-like streak. Since the last rankings he has alternated 1 win with 1 loss with remarkable consistency. Problem is, he’s losing to a lot of shitty teams in there — the Wild, the Flyers and the Ducks. This “dynasty” is loaded with offensive talent, yet Aaron Ekblad is leading the team in scoring with a mere 14 points. Never a good sign. Mike Knuble 2.0 is off in the corner trying to fellate himself instead of playing hockey, as he sports a less than impressive 5 points (4 goals, 1 assist.) Time for a trade? Well I’ve got a 5^th round pick with his name on it.

15.  Ottawa Senators (Last: 19, +4) Speaking of Stella getting her groove back, it looks like Slumlord Millionaire has figured out the sim. After 58 trades, DJ Stephy-V finally has a combination of players and some top-secret Junya intel that has led him to a 7-4 record over the past month. I’m sure he’ll make another three trades before you’re done reading this article. But for now, it looks like the Senators are turning the ship around.

16. Pittsburgh Penguins (Last: 15, -1) Ah, sweet, sweet Toby. So young. So cocksure. His bold proclamations of a Stanley Cup for his Penguins are as equally as adorable as they are misguided. Brian Elliott doesn’t realize he’s Brian Elliott, so he’s sporting a respectable .917 Save Pct. and a 2.49 GAA. But that hasn’t been enough to keep young padawan from going 3-5 in his last 8 games.

17.  Flyers (Last:25, +8) So, I’m just as confused as the rest of you. I had no idea you could win with an entire roster of goalies. Maybe I really don’t understand hockey. So let’s talk about our Disney-loving, beer pusher. In the past 8 games, Anthony has gone 6-2. “Surely he hasn’t played anyone good,” you say to yourself. And you’d be 82% correct. He did take down the Kings. And one could argue he beat the Coyotes and the Devils. But largely, it’s a mirage. And Anthony will be back in the 20’s before long.

18.  San Jose Sharks (Last: 24, +6) You want confusing? Look no further than Team Finland. In the past month, they have beaten the Stars, the Hurricanes, the Blues and the Preds. But they’ve lost to the Ducks, the Flyers the Wild and the Maple Leafs. Their biggest problem? Goal scoring. The Fins only score 2.05 a game, which is 29^th in the league. And their PP is a disastrous 4.76%. Good for last in the league. Much like the Flyers, I expect to see Miika in the mid 20’s soon enough. But for now, he can avoid absolute failure and revel in mediocrity. Congratulations!

19.  Nashville Predators (Last:22, +3) How would I describe the Predators play of late? It’s a lot like when white opens with the Ruy Lopez. Then black defends and develops simultaneously. But then white counters and attacks the black e-pawn. But then … THEN Black elects Morphy’s Defence. But then white opts to use the Exchange Variation.  Therefore white damages black's pawn structure, giving him a ready-made long-term plan of playing d4 ...exd4 Qxd4, followed by exchanging all the pieces and winning the pure pawn ending. That's right, bitches. Check mutha-fucking mate! GO PREDS 

20.  St. Louis Blues (Last: 14, -6) Perhaps the  “Communist Draft” had a bigger impact on Mr. Bigglesworth’s team than he originally thought. A goal differential of -9 and losses to the Leafs and the Wild isn’t exactly optimal. But, Eric has had one of the more difficult schedules thus far, having played the Blackhawks three time along with the Jets twice, the Hurricanes, Flames and Golden Knights. So there’s still hope to beat up on the rebuilders and sneak into the playoffs. Need to get more out of the likes of Ty Raddie and Brandon Dubinsky, who have 2 points combined.

21.  Columbus Blue Jackets (Last: 17, -4) The Blue Jackets were one of my sleeper teams this season. But underperformed, they have. Which is strange, because this team is pretty well constructed.  There’s a lot of star power, but they can’t seem to keep the puck out of the net. Giving up 3.06 goals a game is 20^th in the league. That shit might work in the West, but that’s just not going to cut it in the highly competitive and clearly superior Eastern Conference.

22. Arizona Coyotes (Last: 8, -14) Ooof. November was not a good month for Joel. His team has gone 3-8 in the last 11. His team has dropped a whopping 14 points in the rankings. Why? Imbalanced, top-heavy scoring — with only 5 players in double digits. Oh, also Martin Jones. You know in Mario Brothers when you’d touch the star and you would be invincible for a few seconds? That was Martin Jones at the start of the season. But the star power seems to have run out. And one of those pipe plants just bit Joel in the dick. Sorry buddy 

23.  New Jersey Devils (Last: 21, -2) Well, things haven’t gotten much better for the Champs. 2-5 in their last 7 is not a good way to dig themselves out of this hole they find themselves in. Maybe a trade is in order to shake the tree and reorganize the pieces. Or maybe they’ll play their way out of it. Getting Blake Wheeler back from injury should help. Maybe. How will it turn out? Stay tuned. 

24.  Washington Capitals (Last: 29, +5) Larry will be happy about this. But should he be? Overachieving at this point is like saying you only have “a little bit of AIDS.” Nothing good can come from it. The rebuilders are "Fallin’ for Dahlin" and success at this point should be considered failure. Nonetheless, it’s great that Larry’s team is doing better than any of us thought. But at the same time, it sucks. Finkle is Einhorn. Einhorn is Finkle. So on and so forth 

25.  Toronto Maple Leafs (Last: 23, -2) Still waiting for that Doughty trade. There are actually a lot of tradable pieces on this team that could certainly accelerate a rebuild. Granted, I’m not sure anyone wants to take a second mortgage on their home to afford the eventual asking price. But still, this team is a few moves away from potentially building something really good.

26.  Minnesota Wild (Last: 27, +1) Kyle Okposo only has 4 points. That’s not good. But the Wild’s biggest problem is defense. 3.53 goals allowed per game. That’s 30^th in the league. But again, bad is good at this point. So, you know, great job!

27.  Buffalo Sabres (Last: 20, -7) The Sabres are 1-8 in their last 9 games. Whoops. That got ugly quickly.  As most of us figured, the Sabres early season success was a mirage. A few tradable pieces to move at the deadline will help them sink even further. Which again, is a good thing for Buffalo’s finest.

28.  Vancouver Canucks (Last:28, --) Suter traded. So much controversy. In a small twist of irony, the Canucks then went on to beat the Avalanche. Go figure.

29.  Anaheim Ducks (Last 30, -1) You know what’s a great sign? When Adam McQuaid is 3^rd on your team in scoring Things are going great. 

30. Seattle Stoners (Last: 26, -4) P.K. and Carter have been moved. The free fall is now in full effect. But Rex has done an incredible job so far acquiring picks and accelerating the rebuild. Let’s see how many more picks he can add to the pile If only he could answer his private messages a little quicker. 

31. Florida Panthers (Last: 31, --) You’ve got to think a top 3 pick is a lock at this point. It can't get much worse than the Panthers this year.

32.  Edmonton Oilers (Last 32, --) Oh wait.