Montreal Canadiens (Last: 3, +2) They just keep on winning. As the GM of the team right behind them in the standings, it’s infuriating. Not to mention, their schedule has been soft as baby shit lately. Am I looking for excuses? You’re goddamn right I am. On paper, this team shouldn’t be as good as its record indicates. But, as they say, “that’s why they sim the games.” No one’s bitter though. Haha. Nope. Super happy for them. 

Colorado Avalanche (Last: 5, +3) November wasn’t a great month for the Avs, but December was a different story. During that time, Bryce and his greased up boy-toys bent over the league and plugged them dry. They went 10-3, losing only to the Pengiuns, Coyotes and Kings. Further adding fuel to Devon’s podcast claim that Bryce is the team to beat. The collective eye roll is deafening. 

Boston Bruins (Last: 4, +1) For a stretch there, the Bruins looked almost as unbeatable as the Canadians. Until they lost. To the Canadians. In overtime. Since then, the B’s have gone 3-5, with a few OT/shootout losses sprinkled in. The B’s torrid goal scoring has slowed as of late. They still lead the league, scoring 3.71 goals a game. But the Penguins are knocking on their door with a handful of pills and a 40 gallon barrel of lube. Toby is weird. 

Dallas Stars (Last: 1, -3) So, this was odd. Junya was in the middle of cutting the brake line on Rich’s car. And Rich was just about to light a cross on fire in Junya’s front yard. When suddenly, they put aside their differences for each other and pulled off a trade. Oh, I know. I was just as surprised as you. It boils down to MAF for a first. Does this help Junya? Yes. You’re an idiot for asking that question. Since the trade, he’s 4-1. 

Chicago Blackhawks (Last: 2, -3) Like the Bruins, the Blackhawks have hit a few bumps in the road. In their past 16, they’ve gone 8-8. Man-rocket Gabriel Landeskog is leading the way when it comes to scoring. With Matt Stone and the rejuvenated Jonathan Toews not far behind. This team is balanced and should overcome a mediocre month. Championships aren’t won in December, but in a very competetive division, every point helps. 

Pittsburgh Penguins (Last: 16, +10) What in the blue fuck is happening here? The Penguins are the sims’ new darling, it seems. They have been working over opponents the same way fat people work over a tray of wings — it’s sloppy, not fun to watch and when they’re done, there’s a weird smell in the room. But they’ve been highly effective. My sweet, sweet Toby hasn’t been shy about claiming he’s going to win the Cup. We all laughed and gave him a patronizing tap on his adorable, pre-pubescent face. But ... maybe? No, it can’t happen. Can it? 

Detroit Red Wings (Last: 8, +1) Nolan is ... (wait for it) ... rollin’. Fucking nailed it right there. November wasn’t particularly fun for Les Wings De Detrois. But since then, he’s gone 7-3 in his last 10. And that’s in the best division in the league (that’s right, I said it.) Not too shabby. Was it the PK Subban trade? Maybe. Well, probably. He’s got 25 points in 28 games played for the Wings. Look, don’t yell at me. It’s math people. 

Calgary Flames (Last: 10, +2) Kevin is the vanilla ice cream of the BRHL. Always quiet, never flashy, consistently delicious good. And he just quietly keeps winning. Kevin sports a deep lineup, and a collection of picks and prospects he keeps delicately arranged on the shelf like a glass menagerie (Tennessee Williams? Anyone? Hello?) Without a doubt, he will continue to vanilla his way through the season, acquire 15-22 more draft picks and make it deep into the playoffs. Definitely. Or at least probably. Maybe. 

Winnipeg Jets (Last: 6, -3) I guess we’re going to keep going with this charade, eh? The Jets keep hanging in there. But there’s trouble in this snake-infested, (K)AIDS ridden, kangaroo paradise. Garrett Sparks is hurt. That’s right, it’s Jimmy Howard time. Never a good sign. We’ll see what Doc has up his sleeve as he tries to ruin Devon’s life by making his 1st round pick even less valuable. 

New York Islanders (Last: 7, -3) It should be no surprise to anyone that the Croatian Sensation, Joe Buj, has his team playing well. What’s surprising is that they’re not playing better. They are good, but with this lineup, they should be amazing. Barkov is just running a train on the league, and McAvoy has been on a heater. He’s up to 27 apples now (still overrated, should be traded to the Bruins.) The question is going to be depth and trades. Will ol’ Blue Balls actually make a deal? Stay tuned. 

Ottawa Senators (Last: 15, +4) Speaking of trades, there hasn’t been one in Ottawa in a while. So you know it’s only a matter of time. But for all the shit Steph gets for his deals, Seguin, Crosby and Giroux are str8 crushing it, leading this team with 49, 48 and 38 points respectively. Is there something to be said about going for it now instead of masturbating to a shelf full of “Maybe 5-years down the road”? To that, Monsieur Villenueve says “Oui, baisures!" 

Tampa Bay Lightning (Last: 12, E) Just what the East needs. ANOTHER good team. Just so many to talk about in the league’s most dominant conference. Leading the way for the Lightning is Anze Kopitar, who has been nasty this season. 47 points in 41 games makes up for the complete lack of performance from Jake Guentzel (7 pts. in 41 games.) Mike Smith is playing like a Vezina candidate, which proves the sim isn’t always the most realistic. 

Vegas Golden Knights (Last: 11, -2) Hmm, turns out John Carlson is decent. Never heard of him before, but apparently this nobody leads the BRHL with 50 points so far this season. Trivia time!!! Has a defenseman ever led the NHL in scoring? If the answer is yes, who did it? You can answer in the chat. Or not. I really don’t care. Back to Vegas, I can’t figure out this team. Good enough to hang around, but also too good to get a good draft pick. But there are a lot of assets here. A blockbuster could shake things up. We’ll see. Also, Carter Rowney is up to 3 points. Hear that? … That’s nobody caring. 

Los Angeles Kings (Last: 14, E) I was going to say that I can’t figure this team out. But the reality is, the answer is obvious. While Rumplestilskin is loaded with an impressive array of young, offensive talent, the gaping hole is defense. The only guy who back checks on this team is Jay Beagle. Everyone else just hangs out around center ice waiting for a stretch pass. Can’t spell “Dynasty" without a “D". (Holy shit, that was clever as fuck.) Fix the D, you fix this team. 

Columbus Blue Jackets (Last: 21, +6) The Blue Jackets were one of my favorite sleeper teams heading into this season. I thought they were going to make a big jump in the standings from last year. They haven’t quite lived up to that billing yet, but they are hovering. Remember when we all thought Jesse was crazy for trading the 9th overall pick for Jeff Skinner? Turns out, ol’ Vansickle might be a goddamn genius. 

Carolina Hurricanes (Last: 9, -7) Now I’m confused. Trade MAF for a #1 to, I guess, start the rebuild process. Then trade that 1 and a 2 for Krieder? Are we rebuilding? Are we going for it? I don’t care what the answer is, I just want to know. I don’t know what Rich hates more, Junya or draft picks. 

Arizona Coyotes (Last: 22, +5) In December, Joel has been on fire. Going 9-3 in his last 12, he’s beaten the likes of the Avs, Kings and Islanders. Of course, then he went and lost to the Oilers, which seems to be a recurring theme. But this success? Looks like all it took was trading for Mike Green, who has 21 points in 23 games for the Yotes. That calming, veteran presence in the room is what the boys needed. Oscar Klefbom leads this team in scoring, so who knows where this team will go? But right now, they can comfortably say they are right in the middle of the pack. 

New York Rangers (Last: 13, -5) Another team with top shelf talent set adrift in the vast ocean of mediocrity. Wins some big games. Loses some easy games. It’s a veritable ping pong match between confusion and disappointment. Jack Eichel has 10 more points this season than Auston Matthews, but it’s still early to see if that’s the difference maker. Either way, Victor Hedman is 4 points behind Carlson in the chase for most improbably scoring title winner in history. 

New Jersey Devils (Last: 23, +4) After a stretch of three straight wins, the Devils have gone 1-6. Granted, that one win was an OT victory over the Bruins. Clearly some sort of conspiracy perpetrated by Steve. Regardless, it’s been a confusing season for the defending champs and their $12 million man, Blake Wheeler. Can they turn it around? They’re trying, after trading for Jeff Carter. But time might be running out. 

Philadelphia Flyers (Last: 17, -3) Anthony doesn’t want to win, but he keeps accidentally getting points. It’s confusing for sure. Probably Disney magic. But he did the unthinkable-but-smart move and traded Giroux. He’s ready to deal. Does he have enough to help the competing teams? We soon shall see. 

San Jose Sharks (Last: 18, -3) We all scratch our head at Mikka and his obsession for Finnish players. But with Finland winning last night, and the Fin invasion of the NHL, maybe he’s on to something. Then again, I’m convinced Mikka doesn’t actually exist, so it doesn’t really matter. He’s a sex doll that sits in the corner of Bryce’s bedroom. Every time Bryce sets his lineup for him, he has to teach him a lesson for “being a bad boy.” Sorry to make this list so sexy. 

Nashville Predators (Last: 19, -3) Sweet, sweet Sheds. What direction does your team want to go? Debrincat keeps scoring Debrincat’s and Kliesenberg is the new centerpiece of that defense. Do you accelerate the rebuild and move one or both? Or do you build around those two? Or do you just order a pizza and do nothing? One more question … would you rather be a cloud or a rain drop? 

Minnesota Wild (Last: 26, +3) With 14 picks next season, including 3 first rounders, Big Al has put himself in a good position for the future. There are even a few smaller pieces left to move which may get him even more. In the meantime, he keeps accidentally winning. Time to send that pesky Radim Vrbata (21 points) packing. 

St. Louis Blues (Last: 20, -4) Barring a torrid second half and some luck, this season looks lost for the Cat Prince. But some good, tradable pieces on this team could really help Eric out when it comes to next season. Except Eric never trades. So he seems to be in a stalemate. With himself. 

Buffalo Sabres (Last: 27, +2) With only 3 wins in their last 12 games, the Sabres are losing right on schedule. They have some interesting pieces come trade deadline time that will maybe add to their growing 2020 draft stockpile. I’d say it’s time to trade Ristolainen, but we all know that isn’t going to happen. 

Edmonton Oilers (Last: 32, +6) For the first two months of the season, the Oilers, like their real-life Edmonton counterparts were a flaming bag of monkey excrement. But December has set the Oilers straight. Since the end of November, they’ve gone 8-9. And ... AND ... they beat the almighty Dallas Stars. Look out league, Leon’s coming for you. (That’s a joke.) 

Toronto Maple Leafs (Last: 25, -2) Who is willing to give Garrett one hour with their wife for Doughty? Think it over … He’ll wait. In the meantime, the "Fahlin for Dahlin" continues. 

Seattle Stoners (Last: 30, +2) Some more big trades and even more draft picks for the war chest. Who’s been the better expansion GM? That’s not even really a question anymore, is it? So who’s giving up a first for Rittich? Anyone … anyone at all … hello? 

Washington Capitals (Last: 24, -5) There are a few rules when it comes to rebuilding: the more you win, the more you lose. And you want as many draft picks as possible. Instead of flying from New York to California, the Capitals are walking. Will they get there? Maybe, but this is going to take a while. 

Vancouver Canucks (Last: 28, -2) Nico Hischier and Reid Boucher lead the Canucks in scoring with 17 points. That pretty much says it all. 

Florida Panthers (Last: 31, E) This is a team that has both Milan Lucic and Jimmy Hayes on it. Yet they are not #32 on the list. If that isn’t an accomplishment, I don’t know what is. 

Anaheim Ducks (Last: 29, -3) There’s a new king of the tankers. Congratulations Devon. May your dumpster fire burn bright, as you embark on your mission to “Fetch the Svetch”.