No foreplay today. Just fucking.

 

1. Boston Bruins (Last: 3, +2):

Not a big deal.

 

2. Montreal Canadians (Last:1, -1):

It took seemingly forever, but the Canadian have finally fallen to number two in the wagon known as "The Atlantic Conference." Going 6-4 in his last 10 opened the door a tiny crack for Boston to race past "Les Habitants". A recent Slack post indicated that the Canadians are looking to deal. Should be a very interesting trade deadline. But don't ask for Casey Middlestat. Steve will shit in your mouth if you do. #facts

 

3. Calgary Flames (Last: 8, +5):

The pride of Alberta has gone 7-3 in their last 10, 12-4 in their last 16. This was obviously an effort to bring a little more respectability to the subpar Western Conference. The defending Campbell Conference champions are showing that last year was no fluke as they begin to slowly pull away with the Pacific division. Also, rumor has it that Kevin wears nothing but a condom when he sets his lines. Hey, whatever works.

 

4. Dallas Stars (Last: 4, -1):

After a grueling stretch where the Stars pulled off some impressive victories over the Flames, Blackhawks and the Canadians (merci), the Stars were rewarded with a somewhat soft stretch in the schedule — where they immediately lost to the rebuilding Flyers. Who are in the clearly inferior Eastern Conference. And double-inferior Metro Division. Whoopsee! Don't worry, the acquisition of MAF makes Dallas a real threat and likely to go deep in the playoffs. Rich can barely contain his excitement. Even though it was his fault. 

 

5. Colorado Avalanche (Last: 2, -3):

The Avs have been bouncing around the top part of these rankings all year long. January is no different, with injuries taking their toll in Denver. Interestingly, Bryce has some serious offensive talent on this yteam, yet he's winning with stingy defense. His 98 goals scored against is tops in the league by a wide margin (Next closest are Flames and Bruins with 115 and 117 respectively.) His acquisition of Zdeno Chara (and his 99 skating) will only help the cause.

 

6. Ottawa Senators (Last: 11, +5):

It took trading away all of his picks and prospects, but Mouisuire Villanueve has finally cracked the upper echelon of the Power Rankings. The Sens have made the biggest jump of any team this month, gleefully prancing up 6 spots. How? By going 18-3 in their last 21. The naysayers have been vocal, but Steph’s plan is starting to work. I’d ask him for a quote, but I’m too lazy. Instead I’ll make one up. “These shit-talking bitches can use my dick as a harmonica, because the Senators are on FIRE!” His imaginary words, not mine.

 

7. Detroit Red Wings (Last: 7, E):

The good news is that Nolan is a real human. At least according to Leanne. The bad news for the rest of you, the Wings are pretty damn good. Their achilles? Consistency. They won 5 straight, followed that up by going 1-6, then winning 5 more in a row. Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? (Get it? Because Eminem is from Detroit? … Brilliant fucking writing right there.)

 

8. Tampa Bay Lightning (Last: 12, +4):

This makes five ... FIVE ... teams from the Atlantic in the top ten in these here power rankings. How fun is that? The trade deadline could shape up to be an arms race, as teams in the best division in the BRHL scramble to climb past each other. Tampa already jumped in on the fun early, acquiring Anders Lee for a little extra punch and sexual energy on his wing.

 

9. Pittsburgh Penguins (Last: 6, -3):

Sorry Toby. But this hasn’t been your best month. While you’ve been out playing “hide the salami” with the Sudbury chapter of the Girl Scouts, your Pittsburgh Penguins have been playing an inconsistent brand of hockey. Or exceptionally consistent, depending on how you look at 7-7 over the last 14. While the Pens dispose of the rebuilding teams like they are supposed to, they tend to struggle with the contenders. Thankfully that won’t be a problem in the playoffs. I’m kidding! It’s going to be a huge problem.

 

10.  Winnipeg Jets (Last: 9, -1):

Morning cunts! The month of January saw the doctor go 6-9. Sprinkled in were losses to the Ducks, Oilers and two losses to the Minnesota Wild. Not great. The Jets miracle-like start seems to be a thing of the past. But, BUT … a terrific first few months combined with the fading Blackhawks (foreshadowing!!!) makes them almost a lock for the playoffs. We’ll see if they can’t make another trade before the deadline. Who has an extra kidney they don’t need?

 

11.   Las Vegas Golden Nights (Last: 13, +2):

The Golden Nights showed improvement in January, after an up and down December. But they seem to be consistently hovering around the bottom edge of the top-10 each month. With a fantastic foundation, Vegas looks to be a player or two away from putting them over the top. John Carlson continues to do his best Conor McDavid impression, which makes up for some of the underperformers who came in with somewhat high expectations. That’s right, I’m looking at you Radek Faska.

 

12.  Columbus Blue Jackets (Last: 15, +3):

Win a couple, make a run, lose a couple fall back into the pack. This has been the story with the Blue Jackets all season long. I could see them get hot at the right time and make a run. Or go on a triumphant losing streak and miss the playoffs altogether. They are THAT unpredictable. You know what else is unpredictable? Mako sharks. Does that make Jesse the mako shark of the BRHL2? Short answer … yes.

 

13.  Carolina Hurricanes (Last: 16, +3):

Rich has an itch that just won’t go away. Is it crabs? Yes. His pubus and taint are infested. Badly. Probably the worst case Canada has ever seen. But he is also yearning to make a deal. As in a trade. With a cupboard lacking in prospects and picks, it might be difficult to find a match with a “rebuilding” team. It might have to be player for player. Tomas Tatar, meet Keith Kinkaid.

 

14.  New York Islanders (Last: 10, -4):

“Ovaj tip nikad ne sklapa trgovinu.” That’s Croatian for, “this dude is never making a trade.” And it’s going to hurt him. Because he’s got an amazing foundation with a few holes that can easily be plugged (Am I talking Islanders, or Rumpy’s most recent Tinder connection?) But seriously, the “no trades” thing is going to forever hold this team back.

 

15.  Chicago Blackhawks (Last: 5, -10):

Yeah … things haven’t gone well for the Blackhawks in January. Not really sure what happened. But in the last 16, the Hawks have gone a disastrous 5-11. In their defense, it was an incredibly difficult stretch in the schedule where they faced off against the Stars, Penguins, Avalanche (twice), the Flames and more. But perhaps that was the litmus test this team needed to see where they truly stacked up. The trade deadline could be interesting in the Windy City. But this team may have peaked too early. Then again, they fell apart once Kevin “took over”. Conspiracy? Most definitely.

 

16.  New York Rangers (Last: 18, +2):

Under new ownership, the Rangers brass realized that it was time for a soft rebuild. They responded by shipping out Larry’s favorite player, Brad Marchand, to the Bruins (where he belongs.),With Malkin on the block, he’ll most likely be the next on the move. And then what? Stay tuned. I'm sure P.J. has a few tricks up his sleeve. He's also from Philly, so I'm sure there's a razor blade, a bag of batteries and an AIDS needle up there too. So be careful.

 

17.  Los Angeles Kings (Last: 14, -3):

In Rumpy’s defense, he never said when his Dynasty would actually begin. While he said he built a dynasty, not once did he state when it would take effect. Maybe he wasn’t even talking BRHL. Maybe he’s the new ruler of China. Did you guys even think of that? Probably not. Idiots.

 

18.  Arizona Coyotes (Last: 17, -1):

Joel trades for Chara. Then trades away Chara. What’s next? Joel shits on Hillary, then makes a custom sex doll in her likeness? Who knows? I’m not Joel. I can’t answer that question. But a nice pants suit can be quite flattering. Although, that’s not the point. What I’m trying to say is, Joel and Emperor Zhou are jockeying for that final playoff position in the Pacific. Might come down to who makes the better trade at the deadline. Side bet … loser hoses out the Hillary doll.

 

19.  Nashville Predators (Last: 22, +3):

The Preds came out of the gate in January smearing their weeping, pimple-covered genitals across the lips of everyone in their path. The Bruins, Blackhawks, Red Wings, Canadians … they all fell victim to the Preds inappropriate, genital smearing campaign. Then they lost to the woeful Washington Capitals. And just like that, boner deflated.

 

20.  Philadelphia Flyers (Last: 20, E):

Your guess is as good as mine, here. I’m just waiting for Anthony to decide he’s going for it. Oh, also, they beat the Stars. Which is never not funny. Which is a double negative, but that means a positive. So, yay!

 

21.  New Jersey Devils (Last: 19, -2):

This ranking is way more generous than it should be. It’s out of respect for Tim’s accomplishments last year. But the defending champ is cooked. It’s a lineup full of promise and unfulfilled potential. Just like the real life Edmonton Oilers. Let the fire sale begin.

 

22.  San Jose Sharks (Last: 21, -1):

Does anyone else sit around and think “I wonder what Mika is doing right now?” I mean, I definitely don’t do that. That’s weird. But do you think he is a molecular biologist? Is he’s a foot model? Maybe he works in a Finnish Best Buy? Who knows, he could have been employee of the month in January. His manager said, “everyone, we need to move these Sony TV’s ASAP!” And he sold THREE in one day. Plus the extended warranty. AND the Monster HDMI cables. Way to go Mika! You did it. Too bad his hockey team is terrible.

 

23.  Minnesota Wild (Last: 23, E):

This is the hardest part of the power rankings. The bottom 10 teams are all varying shades of bad. They’re all rebuilding and jockeying for the worst record. So what can I write about them? Big Al is not winning in the race to the bottom. Much to his dismay, he keeps squeaking out the occasional victory to keep him at respectability. Um … he also likes pot roast, maybe? It also sounds like his favorite vegetable is "gravy"?

 

24.  Buffalo Sabres (Last: 25, +1):

Can someone check on Jared? He hasn’t been around in awhile. I’m worried his cat tricked him into an elaborate ponzi scheme and now he owes the wrong people money. It’s a thing.

 

25.  St. Louis Blues (Last: 24, -1):

I don’t quite know what Eric is going to do with this team. He seems ready to trade some players. He’s got a lot of expiring contracts that could be helpful to a contending team. And if that Kyle Brodziak blockbuster is any indication, shit is about to get real. Meow.

 

26.  Edmonton Oilers (Last: 26, E):

I have no idea what to write about this team other than expected comparisons to the real life Oilers. Instead, I’ll use this time to tell you all a joke … A doctor looks at his patient and with a grave voice says, “Mr. Jones, I have some bad news. You need to stop masturbating.” Despondent, Mr. Jones looks back at the doctor and says, “Seriously? Why?” And the doctor says, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

 

27.  Vancouver Canucks (Last: 30, +3):

If you’re a rebuilding team, why not hold on to Casey DeSmith, wait for the good re-rate and trade him for more next season instead of moving him  … Awwwwww Shucks!

 

28.  Toronto Maple Leafs (Last: 27, -1):

Garrett made a trade, which is incredible. Then you realize it was with another Hansford and it’s far less impressive. Two Hansford brothers, with unfathomably high asking prices, trading with each other. It reminds me of that old question, “What happens when an immovable object collides with an unstoppable force?” And really, the analogy makes sense when you think about it. But then you realize that it’s actually a paradox. Because by definition if there were in immovable object, then there could be no unstoppable force and vice versa. What I’m trying to say is, if a Hansford trade happened and no vital organs exchanged hands, did the trade ever really happen at all?

 

29.  Washington Capitals (Last: 29, E):

Ok, it’s time for some tough love. Having the 4th worst team with one good player and only 8 draft picks for 2019 (when everyone starts with 7) isn’t exactly grounds for the title “Best Expansion GM in the history of the BRHL.” Stop fellating yourself and start making some moves, Larry! Come on! I’m not saying this to be an asshole. I’m saying this because I want you to make the playoffs. I just want you to do it before the robots control the world! 

 

30.  Florida Panthers (Last: 31, +1):

Tyler. You looking for a job? Interested in opportunities abroad? Want a job in a Finnish Best Buy? If you do, send me a PM. I know a guy.

 

31.  Anaheim Ducks (Last: 32, +1):

Moving up a spot might seem like a bad thing, but Devon wants Svechnikov. So getting the #2 pick? No problem. All a part of the master plan, bitches.

 

32. Seattle Stoners (Last: 28, -4):

Congratulations. You are the best at sucking. No easy task.