BRHL Festivus 2019

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Frank Costanza: And at the Festivus dinner you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.

Frank Costanza: Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of
grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people and now you're gonna hear about it.

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Outside of mythical podcasts, it’s the most anticipated night of the BRHL calendar. Screw the draft, regular season, Devon’s changing of mode and tanking for the 12^th straight year, free agency, Rex’s late-night drunken tirades, playoff start, and rage quitting on first day of UFA. It is now time for the Festivus article.

Without further ado.

Greg – Clearly you weren’t brought in for your charm, good looks, or dok-tak ability. We’re still waiting on the season preview podcast. Perhaps stop massaging Junya’s groin, and get to work. Our gift to Greg is a recording device for making a podcast.

Joe Bast – How dare you be pragmatic when it comes to the Leafs. Don’t you know Marner>Gretzky, and Dubas is a God. Oh, I should insert Rex’s rant on how dumb sponsorships are as well. Joe’s gift is a broken leg to Shea Weber in the sim. Simply because he’s my only legit competition in the West.

Blue Balls – How dare you deprive us of your presence for what seems like 10 years? More personality and activity in December than in the last few years combined. Now we wait with anticipation for him to make a trade. Our gift to him is the ability to make a trade.

Steve – Ahh, the mass indoctrinator of the communist manifesto. The Habs keep winning despite taking a step back rating wise. Perhaps the academic is smarter than us mouth breathers. I guess not working for months at a time in the summer pays off. Our gift too Steve would be the ability to mute Slack, so he doesn’t have to hear us Neanderthals talking about important issues like soup v sandwiches.

Leon – Our token smart Asian. Hey at least someone had the nuts to go from laughingstock to gunning for it. Oilers are in good shape for now. Until they bottom out again. Amazingly Leon seems to be the social butterfly of the group, meeting GMs throughout the continent, though he’s repeatedly big-leagued Bryce when he goes to Colorado. Our gift to Leon is allowing him to buy us dinner if he ever meets us.

Rumpy – Oh Rumpy. I don’t want to be too mean to him or he will quit text like he did Slack. Our resident tough guy really shows he has the heart of a teddy bear. Maybe a solid salad tossing is all he needs to get back on track. Our gift to Rumpy is a pair of brass nuts to hang from his truck. Since he clearly needs a pair.

Devon – I couldn’t find last years article. Or I would have copied the same thing. My gift to Devon would be the brains to stick to a plan. This one step forward, two steps back approach has gotten the organization nowhere. And they’re wasting John Gibson. Pretty sure I will just copy this and start a 2020 Festivus article now. Our gift to Devon is the advice to run to the alter tomorrow and get married. Save Rich some money, and lock that broad up before she comes to her senses.

Kevin – Well he already had the treat of meeting Rumpy, what more does a guy need The Flames are struggling through a down year, but they have more assets than every team in the league. Maybe be willing to lose a trade to get a goalie and be a legit contender? Our gift to Kevin is one free slap to Devon’s face, it’s probably the most sought-after gift we hand out today.

Mika – The Sharks continue to suck, though there are some bright spots. After a couple day boost in Slack activity, Mika has ghosted us again. So, our gift to him this year is a translator. If only google had such a thing.

Rob – The Canucks suck again and Rob hasn’t been around much, though he responds quickly to PMs. The real gift I want is for Rob to give us the gift of him. But we shall offer up the gift of Slack mobile. Did you know you can get it on your phone? Crazy times we live in!

Bryce – Well, he is the gift that keeps giving to you. Enjoy

Jordan – When he’s not saving lives or fighting kangaroos in 40+ Celsius weather. He’s calling us cunts and regaling us with the tales of Jakey V. Everyone loves the Doc, including STHS apparently. This plug of a roster has been on fire again to start the year. Our gift to the Doc is that he enjoys some R&R over the holidays at his palatial estate (his dr. friends’ words, not mine), and keeps saving lives.

Junya – The humble one. He did get humbled realizing he wasn’t making the playoffs without a goalie, which cost him some face and some cash (if he ever pays) to Rumpy. But the Stars are loaded again. Our present this year to Junya is two-fold. First is a sense of honor, and to pay his bet with Rumpy. Second it’s to know when to shut the hell up, a skill that clearly is lacking.

Dave – The Hawks are staying in the race in their transitional year. With George in the BRHLD, we can only assume he’s back helping steer the ship after years of disintegrating talent, because the Hawks have made some good moves, and look poised to rebound toward the top as soon as next year. Our gift to Dave is/was bringing George back.

Al – Oh Al, decided against the slow rebuild because he wanted to be alive to see his team competitive. They actually have been, and look like a playoff bound team. If they can clear up a few holes (defense), they should coast into the playoffs as the Preds blow. Our gift to Al would be PK Subban. Not only because it makes sense, because it would be fun to see cyber-Al hate on cyber-PK for his on ice antics.

Sheds – Is he just gearing up for his late season push with a roster of plugs, and then upset a team or two, or three in the playoffs as he works his sim voodoo?  Maybe, Holtby has lots of room for improvement, so does Tarasenko and others. We love Sheds though, his work on the page and with tech stuff is a big part of the league. However, we do have a gift for him, it’s the depth charts on the page that he’s been working diligently on for the past 4 years.

Erica – Another year of sucking for the Blues. We’re past the point of him trying to make sure he doesn’t win for optical reasons. The 14-year slow play is over, perhaps it’s time he realizes he’s terrible as a GM. My gift to him is self-awareness.

Rex – You know that stupid movie with Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson (which one you ask?), where they are interns at like google or something? They create an app you have to pass a breathalyzer to be able to text? That’s how I feel a computer should work for Rex. It’s always easy to tell his state of mind by the time and anger level in his Slack rants. My gift to him is that app.

Steph – What to offer the guy that has it all? Daily BJs from Toby, prostate checks from Dan. I mean, talk about the good life. I guess we could look at the tear down job he did of the Senators and we could all be thankful. But our gift to him would be a time machine, so he can go back to when he took the team over and take back almost every trade he made.

Eric F – Probably the most active guy, that I have nothing bad to say about, other than his NHL team preference. The Lightning are again in the thick of the race and have a good foundation for the future. My gift to him would be that Anders Lee shows up this season for him.

Tyler B – Looking at the standings in the division, I almost said the Panthers have taken a big step forward, that’d be a lie. Others just suck more. Still, the franchise is building a lot of depth, and has some good pieces moving forward. We may only be a couple seasons away from a big push from the Panthers. Our gift to Tyler would be someone that looks like a starting goalie for the future.

Jared – Never has joining the 21^st century and getting a smart phone made such a difference in someone’s participation. I think this is year 2 of really getting to know the stonerific joy that is Giant Jared. I’ll be honest, I think he’s doing things right, I like a lot of his prospects, and he has a ton of picks upcoming. My gift to Jared would be a healthy back for Gabe Vilardi.

Garrett – Things are going according to plan this year for the Leafs, they’re awful. A few pieces could still have some value and return an asset or two to the rebuild, but Dubois is a heck of a piece to build around. I’m still boycotting Rogers, not because of Cherry, but the true national treasure that is Garrett. My gift to him would be a job with Altitude here in Denver, so Garrett and I could fulfill our lifelong mission of being BFFs.

Dan – He’s newer, so I should be nice. Or not. Mr. Regular season isn’t even that here. He took a good team, that started slow, and turned them into a pile of shit. A Steph level performance. He still has some pieces that will undoubtedly get moved, let’s see how he molds this team for the future. Our gift to him would be a set of rubber gloves, for Steph’s daily prostate checks.

Jesse – The Jackets are starting to emerge as a long-term contender in the East, years of patience are starting to pay off. Jesse may be the king of one-liners in the league, randomly showing up with a well-timed chirp (usually at my expense). Our gift to him is a lifetime supply of Lysol. With all the work he does in the reserve, he needs something to bribe/bait the locals with to get home safely.

Rich – There is literally no one in the league I feel sorry for more. Can you imagine having Devon, Toby, and the scared brother as the fruit of your loins? Talk about disappointment. Makes the Hurricanes track record seem like an achievement. That said, after an actual retool focused around some youth, the Canes are taking advantage of a terrible division/conference and look to be firmly on their way to the playoffs for a change. Our gift to Rich would be a son he could be proud of. Maybe he wants to adopt Greg.

Toby – There’s so much to unpack here. First off, we love Toby, his delusional Leaf rants (for a guy whose fav team isn’t the Leafs) is stuff of legends. His inability to seal the deal with females is enjoyable fodder for us old married farts. His ability to lose every trade is enjoyable for anyone dealing with him. Toby adds a lot to the league, even if his mustache takes a lot away from society. Our gift to Toby would be the face, and personality, to actually hook up with a chick, that doesn’t have a better mustache than he does.

PJ – Who you ask? Ya, he’s the Rangers GM. Sadly he’s keeping the tradition of distant and barely on Slack Ranger GM’s alive. There’s some good prospects, and plenty of high end talent on the roster, but he should be beating the doors down to find a better goalie. Our gift to PJ would be to discover this thing called Slack. To utilize it, and stalk GMs to get a goalie upgrade and take advantage of the awful East.

Tim – As painful as it is to say, it’s probably time the Devils did a full-scale rebuild. They don’t have their 1, but they have a couple others. Moving out the vets for picks and specs and making a couple years of restocking the cupboard might be the proper route to regain their championship lore. Tim’s always around on Slack, but some more chirping would be great. Our gift for him would be to fully experience all of our wisdom and wit on Slack.

Anthony – Is he still at the bottom of the league? The Flyers do have some good pieces coming, and if they can manage to not completely screw up FA like a couple years ago, they could be in the playoff hunt as soon as next year. A couple more high picks this season will stock the cupboards even more. Our gift to Anthony would be that someone would trade for Keith Kinkaid.

Larry – He’s taking the long, slow approach to building his expansion team, and there’s been some misses, but the future is starting to take shape. I’d argue he needs to shift into the, get whatever pick or prospect you can, mode on a few guys; but overall, trusting the process is starting to pay dividends. My gift to Larry would be that Kravtsov starts tearing up the AHL and is in the NHL fulltime by the end of the NHL year.