Here it is folks! The moment literally none of you fuckwits have been waiting for. The pulitzer prize worthy trade deadline primer is out! Grab the tissues and hand cream, it's time to rosterbate!

Team by Team Pre Deadline Outlook:

Anaheim: Having shot his load on the Monahan deal, Devon finds himself lingering in the shadows of the playoffs. 3 points behind Rumpy for 3^rd in the division, 6 behind Sheds for the WC slot, his annual tanking did not go according to plan. X Factor: John Gibson’s anti depressants meds.

Arizona: Having the white flag for 2020, Joel doesn’t have much to sell off as far as rentals or talent… Kinda in no mans land with too many points to tank but not enough points to make the playoffs. X Factor: Bobby Ryan’s sobriety

Buffalo: FREE THOMAS CHABOT!!! The fucken wasteland that is Buffalo really don’t have much to make you hard. Somehow Ryan Strome became an NHLer, so he’s as good as gone. Ben Harpur is on his top line. It’s uglier than Toby’s dating prospects. X Factor: Thomas Chabot’s inevitable trade request

Boston: Greg started to retool, and then kept waiting to start losing. And somehow, in the shithole that is the Atlantic, he’s sitting in 3^rd spot still. He’s still trying to sell off, but in a buyer’s market, its slow treading. John Tavares listed his house for sale. X Factor: Codi Ceci continuing to get Ice Time

Calgary: Kevin has started his annual sell the farm for 10,000 prospects. Johnny Hockey is as good as gone. Outside of him, Kevin will pedal whatever garbage he has left for prospects or picks. There isn’t much he wouldn’t do for futures at this point 😉. X Factor: Tyler Bertuzzi’s dental bills

Carolina: Rich’s grasp on the 3^rd slot on the Metro is weaker than an 80 year hooker’s handjob. And believe me, that’s weak. Will he flip pending UFA Malkin or do nothing and lose him for nothing? Will Thomas Greiss’ 20m contract be moved? Doubt it. X Factor: Rich’s kids Keg tab forcing him into bankruptcy.

Chicago: Dirty Dave could actually make the playoffs, in spite of himself. Poor guy just wants to suck and trade all his good players and you fucken pricks won’t pony up for the likes of Landy and Lehner. The Hawks actually have less prospects than the Sens somehow. X Factor: A full blown Mutiny

Columbus: Hey Jesse you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind! HEY JESSE!! HEY! HEY! HEY JESSE! He could moonwalk his walk through the West, in the East he’s maybe the 4^th best team. He’s got offensive guys and defensive guys, but nobody that can do both. X Factor: Jeff Skinner’s overpriced extension.

Colorado: The Supreme Leader hasn’t had to do much to ensure he wins the Central. His division is fucken terrible. Literally just sits there and watches everyone around him be garbage. Got PK Subban, for shits and giggles. X Factor: EK’s wife accusing MacKinnon’s wife of cyberbullying.

Dallas: Hasn’t alienated a GM in about a month, so the OVER pays out on that bet. His plan to avoid Bryce round 1 isn’t a lock at this point. Doubtful he makes a moves, seeing as half the league hates him. X Factor: JGP Goal GIFs

Detroit: Dan came in to save Detroit, and quickly drove it into the FUCKEN GROUND. Nuked his roster, save for Leon. Poor poor Leon. Watch out for GoaliePlug7 to get reps here post deadline. This is a depressing team. X Factor: Draisaitl defecting back to East Berlin and never coming back.

Edmonton: Leon sold his soul for McJesus and it’s paying dividends. His team suddenly isn’t junk. Stole Helly from Dan. Doesn’t do anything particularly well, but will make the playoffs. Will convince Bryce to do unspeakable things to get Makar. X Factor: Matt Cullen’s geriatric care taker.

Florida: Like their NHL counterpart, the Panthers are irrelevant. So much so most of you won’t even read this. I almost didn’t write it. Nic Hjalmarsson is firing his agent for convincing him to take the Panthers money this offseason. X Factor: Their last 6 fans stop showing up to clean the ice and maintain the arena between games.

Los Angeles: Rumpy, currently in a rage induced panic room, traded a loonie in James Neal for about 3 quarters and dime. Can’t score goals, despite having the finnish demi god Laine. The ghost of Jeff Carter wanders the halls of the Staples centers to this day. X Factor: Rumpy misplacing his Junya voodoo doll.

Montreal: Vardy has iced a solid team, who has greatly outperformed his projections. 1 would almost think he’s kidnapped 1 of Eric’s 73 cats and is holding Furball hostage. Could easily win the Presidents trophy. Could easily be the 4th best team in the Atlantic. X Factor: Matt Duchene’s playoff jinx

Minnesota: Big Al somehow has a good team. Despite needing to constantly google who his players are, he’s assembled a decent team. And he’s a rare buyer in a market where everyone’s selling. So anticipate him inquiring/googling your whole team. X Factor: Big Al’s wifi connection.

Nashville: Sheds is clinging to the 2^nd wild card spot. Doesn’t have any of his 2020 picks (sacrilegious acts around these parts) and changes his mind about buying or selling every 10 seconds. Recently seen trying to offload Ryan Kesler as a useful piece. Snake oil salesman indeed. X Factor: Sheds special decision making coin goes missing.

New Jersey: *Crickets* I……. uh…….. *more crickets*………. Tim…… uhhhh………. *overwhelming amount of crickets*……..I hear, uhh,  East Rutherford is nice in the summer……….*4^th plague of crickets covers the ground and arena*…….. Things are fine. This is fine………. X Factor: Their farm team Zamboni Driver

New York I: Blue Balls blew his load for 18 months of Patty Kane! SPLUGE!!! Clinched the Metro about 2 weeks in and has quietly bobbed along ever since. Utterly destroying everyone in goal ratio. This year is about as close to the cup as he’s ever come. Flying too close to the sun? Time will tell. X Factor: New York Taxi drivers safety

New York R: PJ started off as a buyer….. and that backfired. Now he’s a seller. He’s always just kinda lingering in the background. Has useful rentals in Jumbo and Vanek and Engelland. And his goalies, a conbined 97 years old, are trade pieces. Poor Bread Man left to play all by himself. X Factor: PJ’s DM Notification setting being turned on.

Ottawa: Well the good news? The Sens are making the playoffs. The bad news? They literally don’t pick until 2024. As of now. All in with newly acquired Marchand and McDonaugh. There isn’t much left in the cupboard to trade. X Factor: Keith Kincaid’s sudden will to live again.

Philadelphia: Congrats Anthony, you played yourself. Held out forever to move Kincaid, and missed reacquiring him for free on waivers. Sold just about everything he could. Martin Hanzal, #packyourshit. X Factor: The wait times for the new Disney Star Wars ride.

Pittsburgh: Young Toby traded Connor McDavid, went all in on a bunch of rentals (Bergy, Perron, Nyquist, Krejci) and legit might not even make the fucken playoffs. Has 0 (ZERO) prospects. As of now, he’s WC2, so he’ll get the pleasure of getting obliterated by the Isles first. X Factor: Patrice Bergeron retiring mid game cuz he’s sick of Toby’s shit.

San Jose: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1EIUP8tvbE That’s about it. Another wasted season in San Jose. #FreeBradyTkachuk. X Factor: none. Why bother.

St Louis: Catman’s done a great job pushing the sim button all season, which is about all he’s done right this season. Traded EK to Bryce, cuz you know, that makes sense. Polishing up the turd that is Melker Karlsson so people think he’s pro caliber. Giving Justin Falk regular minutes. No not that 1, the shittier 1. X Factor: Mittens 2 runs away and Eric, too distraught to continue on, quits the league, forcing Bryce to sim, and he erases the whole league file, ruining the season and causing half the league to rage quit. Which then forces him to invent 5 new alter ego GMs to run teams and pretend everything is hunky dory.

Seattle: Well Rex is out here actually selling off his garbage. That’s impressive on it’s own. He’s kinda like that guy who approaches you in a back alley with about 30 watches under his suit coat. And somehow sells you a Folex for $20 while stealing your wallet and keys. X Factor: Dahlin and Heiskanen get caught up in 1 of those Euro sex parties and both get chlamydia and go blind and are forced to retire. It could happen.

Tampa Bay: Ah Ferraro. My mortal emeny. Positioned himself to play the Habs round 1. Just like he planned. A Cinderella story last season, hasn’t done too much to be better. But isn’t worse. Kinda neutral. Forcing Brent Burns to carry around Brent Seabrooke’s carcase for 20 minutes a game. X Factor: A delorian to go back to 2014 when his players were in their primes.

Toronto: Might make trades. But is happy to keep all his players. Not in a rush to sell. But wants a premium. But if the guys he’s be trying to unload for 3 seasons don’t move, that’s ok. He’s fine keeping them. But seriously, a 2^nd round should land you a solid 4^th or 5^th liner. But again, not looking to deal. X Factor: Accidentally uses logic and accepts a normal offer. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?!??

Vancouver: Who the Fook is this guy? I thought we folded this team years ago……. Francois Beauchemin is still in the league? How the hell did Roman Polak get there? Steve Bernier is alive?!? Fucken bizzaro world. X Factor: Whoever this GM is actually checks in and does something.

Vegas: Joe has, almost by accident, assembled a contender. Winning the Pacific is like winning a painting contest at blind camp. Biggest challenge before the conference finals will be the WC team. Basically get a bye round 2. Any division winner that has the Sharks and Canucks in their division should have an asterisk* next to their divisional trophy. X Factor: Jay Bouwmeester’s pace maker.

Washington: Self proclaimed GETITHOTBRHL GM Larry is going to be MIA for the deadline, something about a Hillary Clinton wine and dine retreat. But that’s ok, cuz nobody in their right mind, or even me, would play his crack prices for the mediocre talent he’s trying to sell. X Factor: Bernie Sanders wins the election, socialism reigns, and Larry is forced to share his bounty of trade assets with all the illegal immigrant (Bryce) GMs of the league.

Winnipeg: Oi crikey mate! The Jets are in the running for the Central. And a chance to play whichever shitty team finishes WC1 (currently Minny). Not a particularly deep team, Doc keeps trying to sell JVR despite having no depth. Might trade all his good players for random Maple Leafs players. Should be an active buyer. X Factor: Carey Price’s coke habit

There you have it, every team's pre deadline outlook. Happy trading