Expressing my love for Zach Kassian
We’ll start off in the east and in order of standings for the purpose of me being lazy and not doing this alphabetically.
Islanders: The Isles have a great team and under 10 regulation losses this season, they’re a legit contender and are probably better off not adding anymore to this year and keeping their futures to become one of the best dynasty’s in the league.
Blue Jackets: They might be looking at facing the RED HOT BRHL Pens again in round one and we all saw how that went for Jesse last year so he should probably sell and avoid the embarrassment of Young Tobias giving him the ass kicking of a life time in round 1….again.
In all seriousness Jesse has a pretty damn good team and should maybe make a smaller add but is in a similar position as the Isles.
Hurricanes: Oh boy, the BRHL pens are going to inevitably pass the Hurricanes and Rich will probably disown me for saying this but he’s looking at a very tough first round matchup and will need to add quite a bit and have a horseshoe up his ass to make it out of round one. I believe he doesn’t have his first so the only option here is to make a substantial add.
Penguins: As Young Tobias emerges as one of the leagues elite gm’s, he has made his adds for the season and will likely do the Dubas approach at the deadline, what happens this season is on the players.
Rangers: While only being a couple games out I don’t think he is a real threat to do any damage in the playoffs anyways and should trade all UFA’s for futures and try again next year.
Devils: Who the fuck is this guy? Anyways, he’s not anywhere close to a playoff spot so he should be trading all UFA’s and continue his rebuild.
Flyers: Ah Anthony, after our free agency war we are bound to be rivals whenever we are both contending but by the looks of it you seem to be making some steps in the right direction, slowly but surely. Trade all of your UFA’s to maximize your assets, don’t have poor asset management, key to rebuilding.
Caps: AHHHHHH uncle Larry, you beautiful man. You are quite clearly the greatest expansion GM in BRHL history and should trade all UFA’s for futures, the same as the teams listed above, I would recommend selling high on Laughton and maybe make whoever trades for him throw you some Viagra for a little boost! Nothing to be embarrassed about, I think most people your age need it!
Les Habitants: I hope I spelt that right, anyways I’m pretty sure Steve beat me in DK last night because I can’t think of who else would be BigVard. Anyways, you should look to add a couple of pending UFA’s to bolster your roster for the playoff run !
The Sens: ELLO Stephan! There is one thing you need to do and one thing only. There is an elite goalie you’ve recently added via a trade and was OBVIOUSLY put on waivers by accident and no one noticed so he cleared. Anyways, you must call up this elite goalie from your farm team for your big playoff push, we all know who it is, dare I say it…..Keith Kinkaid.
Bruins: Greg you fucking bum, fuck you. You’re done for the year. After the year you should be fired because you cheer for the most annoying team in the league. I can’t stand them.
Lightning: As in a similar position as the BRHL pens both situation and standings wise, you’ve made your adds, and now the players decide your teams fate.
Panthers: I think this is the 8th Ty in this league? Anyways, good lad, trade your UFA’s and sell your ass off for the best pick possible.
Sabres: Get rid of your fucking goalie dude jesus Christ, you need a high end 1st round pick, also let’s stream an NHL series together soon for the league, they’d love that since there’s no fucking podcast anymore…..Greg.
Leafs: Trade your UFA’S for A REASONABLE PRICE!!!!!!!! Continue to sell and enjoy your high end pick sir! Best of luck in the lottery.
Red wings: You used your retention spots like an idiot and now have none left, and you’re a complete bum at the office so there’s that. Continue to tank ya loser.
Sigh….this is way more work than I thought.
Vegas: You’re having an unbelievable season despite not knowing anything about hockey ahahaha just kidding. In all seriousness you’re a good dude we just tend to argue a lot because I’m a douchebag. Anyways, maybe make a couple small adds but you’re already a contender so don’t throw your entire future away for anything.
Oilers: The elusive Leon Yu. He sounds like a character from dynasty warriors if you guys know what that is, anyways. You’re having a great year but I think you lack a bit of depth so if you’re going to add, I would suggest some middle 6 forwards.
Kings: Where the fuck has Rumpy been? You got your shit pumped by the pens last night and it wasn’t even close. Dominated in every period. It’s not the time for your super team rumpy, I miss you and kato telling each other they should off themselves so please come back soon. And sell.
The Ducks: Ah Dev, you’re close to a playoff spot so stay committed to getting in and you will. Make a few small adds and see what happens when you get into the playoffs. DO NOT SELL.
Yotes: JOEL! How are you doing sir? Anyways, I told you I didn’t think you had what it takes to make the playoffs and since then you have fallen out of the playoffs (not trying to be a douche here by the way), I think the best move for you is to sell, have a good offseason and you’ll be better next year.
Flames: Kevin! You took off for a while but I think you’re back now which is great news! You have like a million picks and prospects all the time so I’d suggest in the offseason to cash in some of these assets and make a run next year, you have enough to do it while still having a great future, sell the UFA’s.
Sharks: Tanking team, obviously sell.
Canucks: Same as sharks, sell.
Avs: If only you listened to me about Makar! Could’ve bought low on him, anyways. Your team isn’t that special so start making some adds if you want to win! Just kidding, you’re in a good spot which is not when you should be listening to an inexperienced Tobias, do your thing, go Dubas!
Jets: Having an awesome season but I think you need to add to become a legit contender! Good luck in the playoffs sir, go Jets go!
Stars: You’re annoying sometimes but I love you. You have said some of the best things I’ve ever seen in the chat comedy wise and are great and irritating my Dad, which you haven’t been doing as much lately so lets start that up again, anyways you need to add if you want to repeat.
Wild: Who saw this coming?! Big Al is having a great year but I’m not sure if he has enough to do damage in the playoffs, maybe add some scoring to your roster and see what happens if you get in! Good luck.
Preds: Just not your year Sheds, sell off this year and make another run after a good offseason next year, spend more time on League of Legends with Devon because this year is a write off.
Blackhawks: You’ve done a pretty good job at accumulating futures and I’d expect that to continue heading into the deadline, have to be a seller this year.
Blues: Sell, get the best pick possible, good luck in the lottery!
Stoners: You’ve had a tough year at a managing standpoint but we bonded over tits so we’re best friends now. Obviously continue to tank.