Oh hello, shit bags. I noticed that all the cool kids (and Toby) have been writing articles. So I figured I'd get in on the fun and write about what's available on the Bruins. If you're not in the market for anything, you can change the channel, unless you'd like to be titillated by my forthcoming witticisms.

Anyway, it appears as if the deadline is tomorrow. There's been a lot of bluster about teams looking to make moves. But it's all talk. I've seen nothing but everyone standing around, gently poking each other in the penis with an outstreched index finger. Koivu for a 4th and a 7th? Holy shit, break out the fucking trophy!!! I mean, does anyone other than Steph actually want to win this league? If you want to actually acquire a player that's going to make a difference on your team, here's who is available on the Bruins and a little of my thoughts around them.

1. Freddie Andersen - G. Oh, Andersen's stats aren't going to be great next year? You can stop telling me that like I give two squirts of shit. You read it from the Czar himself, Andersen is a "top 5-7 goalie in the sim this this year." That's right, he's probably better than the goalie you have now who isn't as good as you think because you suck at math. Right now you're thinking, "Wait, I don't suck at math!" Trust me, you do. If you have a really good goalie, imagine rocking an unbeatable duo. And if your goalie is meh, Andersen will help you out big time. Last year I went into Game 7 against Tampa with Andersen at a 96 CON. Guess what happened? I lost. I wish I had a kickass tandem. Now you can. Don't be an asshole. PRICE: 1st Round Pick (don't care what year.) Remember, he's a one-year elite goalie rental. Next year, use him as a sex doll. I don't care. Also, no judgements.

2. Max Domi - LW/C. He's 24 years-old with 87 PA and 85 SC. He plays LW and C. He can anchor your 1st or 2nd line LW or even C. The Canadians have been a fucking dumpster fire this year, and he was ice cold for about a month and a half. He's heating up big time now. He's a lock for at least 20g and will still be a staple on your 2nd line next year. Oh, he's also at a very affordable $3.1m for the next 4 years before RFA. PRICE: Looking for similarly young player. Would also consider top-pair d-man. Looking to shuffle the deck. I hate rooting for Canadians players.

3. Colton Sceviour - LW/RW/C. This is a really tasty one. He already has an 83 DF, plays all three positions and only costs $873k per season. But next year, his blocks per 60 go up from 4.79 to 4.87 and his PK time goes from 2:01 to 2:33. He is a fucking defensive animal. Decent-but-not-spectacular supplemental stats. But you don't get this guy to score goals. PRICE: I'm not really in a rush to move him. But hit me up with something tasty and we'll get weird.

4. Jonathan Drouin - LW. (See: Max Domi; also: I hate Canadians.) He's not rated as highly as Domi, but he's a solid 2nd liner. Young. Only $4+m. Maybe/Probably/Hopefully getting traded to Colorado at the draft. PRICE: Similar young or younger player(s). Probably more likely to move him for a D-man than Domi.

5. John Tavares - C. Maybe you've heard of him? He was signed to the greatest team in the world by the best GM in the NHL, Kyle Dubas. He's probably better than most of, if not all of the players already on your team. He's handsome, the ladies love him and he's very good at business. He's also got two more years of term at a very non-superstar price of $6.4m per. I will move him if I can get younger (this year's theme.) Looking for a player(s) I can build around long-term, even if it means a slight step back ratings wise.

6. Carl Dahlstrom/Kevin Gravel - D. These guys are dogshit. But they both have DF's over 80 (84 and 81 respectively) and they probably cost a lot less than some of the other garbage on the block out there with name recognition. If you need depth, these guys will help. PRICE: Late round pick. Andrej Sekera can be had for free.

7. Jonathan Marchessault - LW/RW. Second line winger at ... wait for it ... $874,000 (3). "Yeaaaaaaah, but he's only got two years left." YOU FUCKING PIGEONS. Do you know how long two years is? Probably not, because you suck at math. What you should be thinking is, "Holy shit I still get two more years for a top six winger at under $1m!?!?!?" PRICE: Want to get younger. Surprise! Cap is always, always, ALWAYS an issue for top teams. Don't sleep on his contract.

Last time I looked, there are about 7 or 8 teams that could concievably win it all. You are all bunched up together, one big move away from winning this thing. Now I understand winning isn't as fun as collecting picks and prospects and arguing about them on Slack, but getting your name engraved on the Cup does have it's merits. So stop being so afraid and worrying about making a trade. Windows close really quickly. So jump into the pool. The water is warm. Granted, it's probably because I just peed.