The brutally honest power rankings you need, but don't want. 

1. San Jose: Why we hate them: The daily reminders that they’re undefeated while playing a schedule that’s softer than baby shit. 

2. Anaheim: Why we hate them: They haven’t begun their annual tear down yet while continuing to build around sub par John Gibson. 

3. NYI: Why we hate them: Refusing to trade all their good players to everyone else for Pennies on the dollar. 

4. Dallas: Why we hate them: Smug bastards have won 2 cups in the last 3 years. Annoying as fuck that they’re constantly a contender. 

5. Detroit: Why we hate them: Biggest fucken poser team going. Dog shit roster that plays in the worst division ever. Winning by default. 

6. Edmonton: Why we hate them: Trade raped for McDavid and now refuses to trade him. 3rd best team in their division. Good. 

7. Chicago: Why we hate them: Above .500 with a negative goal differential. Buncha scrubs with good ratings. 

8. Calgary: Why we hate them: Loaded with potential and finessed the draft to get Lafreniere. Fuck those guys. 

9. Washington: Why we hate them: Constant reminder how they’re the BEGMOALGTBQ2TIME. Forwards are garbage. 

10. Columbus: Why we hate them: Keeps rolling out the same roster and keeps being consistently a bridesmaid. #FreeBraydenPoint

11. St Louis: Why we hate them: Terrible goalies and riding Ovie like a rented mule. Has 3 good forwards. And 3 4th lines. 

12. Colorado: Why we hate them: Fuck that guy for refusing to move anyone good and consistently using another team we shall not mention as their farm team. 

13. Florida: Why we hate them: He’s embraced being irrelevant, which then makes him relevant for that reason. God dammit. 

14. Carolina: Why we hate them: Hasn’t had a classic rage yelling match in the chat in literally 8 months. Why’s he hanging around if not to yell at people and acquire former Colts players. 

15. Seattle: Why we hate them: Besides the 3AM racist Slack rants, his good players are gonna get dealt for 7 goalie prospects. 

16. Vegas: Why we hate them: Did fuck all to keep up with the division and it shows. Love to see it. 

17. Minnesota: Why we hate them: He hates his own team so why can’t we? They’re trash. 

18. Montreal: Why we hate them: Fuck the French. Fucken frogs. Can’t decide if he wants to be good or terrible. He’s in no man’s land. 

19. LA: Why we hate them: Only thing worse than 1 Tyler is 2 Tyler’s. Gutted the team and didn’t finish the tear down. Gotta finish that shit. It’s a Frankenstein of a roster. 

20. Boston: Why we hate them: Murdered a podcast and hid the body. Team is as overrated as their GMs beard. 

21. Toronto: Why we hate them: Basically on the no trade list because of how cheap AF they are in talks. Whole team is polished up dog shit. 

22. New Jersey: Why we hate them: Took over a ghost franchise and did fuck all to get better or worse. Coasting through as usual. 

23. Nashville: Why we hate them: Besides building abortion of a website, GM is holding Klingenburger hostage. Thinks his goalies are playing in 2015. 

24. Philadelphia: Why we hate them: Shit team with 0 direction and randomly insane goalies. Bullshit

25. Arizona: Why we hate them: I dare you to name anyone on this team? Didn’t think so. 0 hope to win 35 games. Barely any picks. 

26. Tampa Bay: Why we hate them: Like the land of broken toys, this team is an abortion of busted players and bums. Fuck them. 

27. Ottawa: Why we hate them: Doesn’t make memes, doesn’t make podcasts, doesn’t trade all his picks for crazy rentals. Boring as fuck. 

28. Pittsburgh: Why we hate them: Turner Connor McDavid into Ryan Merkley. Good job jerk off. Gave away Adam Fox. Dumb. 

29. Buffalo: Why we hate them: Shit team with a shit city and shit contracts. Even has shit prospects. Has the shitty Sebastian Aho. 

30. Vancouver: Why we hate them: Overspends on crappy Canucks players. Ghosts then pops up to gift all his good players to Bryce for peanuts and bum pokes. 

31. NYR: Why we hate them: Hard to hate a team without a GM. Pedo stache Auston Matthews wasting away in purgatory. 

32. Winnipeg: Why we hate them: Fully retarded trade blocks on the daily. Dumpster fire of a roster. Winless and no turn around in sight.